I invited my family to stay in the house of one of our family friends after witnessing the unease that the kids were feeling at the hotel. I think that there is something about the transient nature of the hotel that increases anxiety – they know we aren’t there because of vacation; there is discomfort in the stay. It made my Mama Bear come out.
When I say that I invited myself, it isn’t as if we aren’t welcome or wouldn’t have received invitations to stay, it is just that I was certain that my master-planned calendar of how we were going to move was thoughtful. I had planned on us staying in a hotel, that is what I told everyone. Turns out my plans weren’t as well thought out as I had hoped.
Here is where I made mistakes.
The first was moving out of our house as early as we did – July 15. When the kids were itty bitty, this would have been fine, we would have just gone and plopped at one or both of the Grandma’s and whiled away the summer, with a few adventures intertwined in the time. We were lucky that I was able to find us a housesitting gig, which again I initiated that kept us in one spot (other than when we were visiting people) until last weekend when the gig ended.
The reality is that instead of just vacationing, I have tried to honor Olivia’s (13) social needs and soccer team requirements – she wants to be where there are friends for her to see and her routine is somewhat normal. I have tried to cater to Max (8) who just needs a routine and comfort. He wants to know what time we are eating, what time we are going here and there, who we will see, where we are sleeping. His spirit of adventure doesn’t run much beyond what I plan for him at this stage in his life. He loves to play and is social, but he just wants to know that EJ, Olivia and I are all where we are supposed to be.
We sent our dog to be with Grandma in Maine until we get to our destination. We aren’t traveling straight through and we want the dog to fly as direct as possible because of the heat. And, we just aren’t sure the climate of our future home is going to be suitable for a Border Collie, whereas at Grandma’s she is catered to – lengthy walks and golf ball fetching (Grandma chips them and Border Collie fetches.) and the weather in Maine is perfect for her. The mistake was sending the dog away so soon, it has been two weeks now. The kids miss her. I miss her. The dog has been a good friend and a soft and fluffy “pillow” with empathetic brown eyes to snuggle in to when you aren’t having your best day. When we arrived at our friends’ house and her chocolate lab greeted us, both the kids at separate times commented on how much they miss our dog or being near a dog.
The last error (for now, at least) was not finding time for the four of us: me, EJ and the kids, to take a vacation or spend time together. EJ will be working right up until we leave and we are flying over separately – him going in one direction and the kids and I in another, and just meeting at the destination. It would have been really valuable time for us, if we had figured out a way to unwind and center ourselves together.
So, these are lessons that I am learning. Luckily they have just created a bit of discomfort and not pain. The next time we move, I am going to have to take a harder and more pragmatic look at what the needs of the family will be.
The good news is that we are getting the things on our to-do list checked off. The update from the last list is that we have our visas, we have our malaria prophylaxis and the kids have shoes other than flip-flops and cleats (seriously all that was in our luggage). We are making it to all of our appointments, having last minute hurrahs with friends and the kids keep getting the “what a fabulous opportunity and experience this move will be” party line reinforced, which is so powerful when it comes from other people. Tears are being shed, but it seems to be with less frequency.
I am cooking away at our friends house, which is really cathartic and I am so, so glad she opened up her kitchen to me. (The plus for her is that I am filling her freezer with food, too!) My family loves getting their favorite meals and baked treats and having a place where they can play with a dog, play outside and just relax.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Moving, sigh...
According to those crazy lists of stressful things, moving is the 3rd highest ranking event on the Most Stressful category only preceded by Divorce and Bereavement. Which intrigues me, because I feel like I might be on the road to divorce through the process and I am certainly mourning the loss of the friends, routines, rituals, comforts we are leaving behind….
Our to-do list for this trip keeps growing rather than diminishing. We are missing paperwork needed for shipping the car, which is a vital part of the move – as I NEED wheels. We just realized that both of the kids need new running shoes – as in they don’t have any, and the thought of going to Dick’s and shopping for them is enough, on its own, to make me feel crazy. We have last minute appointments and tasks to fulfill, like getting our malaria prophylaxis. Our flights require an overnight stop in a country that requires visas for each of us, which we don’t have…… and all I really want to do is sit down with my BFF’s and have a cup of coffee, maybe a pastry and pretend none of this is happening.
We are living in a hotel, which sounds glamorous to some, sounds restful to others – but what it means to me is that I can hear every disagreement the kids have regarding bathroom usage and which one is controlling the remote control, and have monotonous and tedious conversations regarding what point we will use the swimming pool. It also means that feeding everyone has become tricky, particularly since we have been in various stages of moving chaos since July 15. I am so done with any fast food establishment and I am the only one in the family that thinks a bowl of soup from Panera is a fabulous meal.
As I write this, I am not complaining, I am just thinking that someday I am going to write a manual – one that dictates how we can lift each other up through these processes, when we are truly the cornerstone of the family foundation. Our children are looking at EJ and me to set the tone through this move and while I am feeling more “needy” they are, too. The move has become a cycle of meeting one need and being faced with the other. Putting on my happy face and going forward each day, business as usual, has taken on a new meaning. This is really no different than every day parenting, the intensity has just been amped.
I am ready for that skinny double vodka mocchachino, with whipped! Who wants to join me?
Our to-do list for this trip keeps growing rather than diminishing. We are missing paperwork needed for shipping the car, which is a vital part of the move – as I NEED wheels. We just realized that both of the kids need new running shoes – as in they don’t have any, and the thought of going to Dick’s and shopping for them is enough, on its own, to make me feel crazy. We have last minute appointments and tasks to fulfill, like getting our malaria prophylaxis. Our flights require an overnight stop in a country that requires visas for each of us, which we don’t have…… and all I really want to do is sit down with my BFF’s and have a cup of coffee, maybe a pastry and pretend none of this is happening.
We are living in a hotel, which sounds glamorous to some, sounds restful to others – but what it means to me is that I can hear every disagreement the kids have regarding bathroom usage and which one is controlling the remote control, and have monotonous and tedious conversations regarding what point we will use the swimming pool. It also means that feeding everyone has become tricky, particularly since we have been in various stages of moving chaos since July 15. I am so done with any fast food establishment and I am the only one in the family that thinks a bowl of soup from Panera is a fabulous meal.
As I write this, I am not complaining, I am just thinking that someday I am going to write a manual – one that dictates how we can lift each other up through these processes, when we are truly the cornerstone of the family foundation. Our children are looking at EJ and me to set the tone through this move and while I am feeling more “needy” they are, too. The move has become a cycle of meeting one need and being faced with the other. Putting on my happy face and going forward each day, business as usual, has taken on a new meaning. This is really no different than every day parenting, the intensity has just been amped.
I am ready for that skinny double vodka mocchachino, with whipped! Who wants to join me?
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